Tee Shirt Soup

Okay, I actually only saw about half of the first movie. That’s when I realized it was just a further example of the pussification of the American vampire, and walked out in protest. It wasn’t really much of a protest since I only walked out of my wife’s cousin’s living room, but the people there knew where I was coming from. Yet even in that first half of the DVD, I saw enough to know how this saga has to end.

Those of you who saw the movie will no doubt remember the scene, pretty early on, where a vehicle careens toward Bella in the school parking lot, and Edward manages to stop it with one hand and presumably loads of vampire strength (which is third only to old-man strength and retard strength).  This is the point where Bella starts suspecting there is something strange about Edward, and from there the whole bullshit vampire guy/regular girl love story springboards.

I contend that Edward was actually unable to stop the car.  If he even tried.  And Bella spent the rest of the first movie (book) as well as a slew of sequels lying in a coma at the local hospital.  Let’s face it, Edward is a strange pasty faced dickhead, but thanks to Bella’s coma induced dreams he has become a dashing vampire.  Yet even in her fantasy, she must have realized that Edward seemed to swing from the other side of the plate, so she created Jacob the Werewolf.  He would certainly tend to her more animalistic and instinctual needs, while Edward works on getting his hair just so.

She has to be in a coma and imagining all of this.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  How else would you explain that she (A GIRL) would have any kind of chance with Edward?  Besides, I’m pretty sure that vampires and werewolves don’t exist.  And I’ve been to Seattle more than a few times, so I think I would know.

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Ever wonder what goes through the mind of a crazed dictator like Adolf Hitler? Me either, but Emo Hitler sounds interesting as hell.  Here’s his quick fact sheet:

Emo Hitler has a ‘KEEP OUT… unless you have big boobs’ sign on his bedroom door.

Emo Hitler just wants his parents’ attention.

Emo Hitler is wondering, “What the fuck did Charlie Chaplin do to make everyone stop wearing our moustache style?”

Emo Hitler loves unicorns and sad music.

Emo Hitler loves blonde hair (and purple, and blue), but dark roots make him angry.

Emo Hitler hates A-Ha’s song Take On Me, but he thinks the video is really cool.

Emo Hitler laughs in spite of himself when he watches the video of the wedding party dancing down the aisle on YouTube, and Hogan’s Heroes.

Wait, Emo Hitler meant Hogan Knows Best.

Emo Hitler attempted suicide twice.  It was the slice-across-the-wrist-attention-seeking kind of attempt, but still.

Emo Hitler has built a wall around his heart.

Emo Hitler wishes there were a German version of The Office.

Emo Hitler thinks Emo Philips is a hack, and has a gay hairdo.

Emo Hitler had nothing to do with the crash of the Hindenburg.

Emo Hitler insists there is no way that Van Halen is German.

Emo Hitler thinks Sean Penn has become too political, and wants to know what happened to that adorable towhead surfer dude, Jeff Spicoli.

Emo Hitler claims that the flower vase in the new VW Beetle was his idea.

Emo Hitler’s Jersey Shore name is H-Train.

Emo Hitler loves you.

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If you are looking for inspiring moments in sports like the USA Olympic Hockey Team beating the Russians, or Tug McGraw recording the last out in the 1980 World Series, or Rocky Balboa defeating Apollo Creed (or Clubber Lang, or Thunderlips, or Ivan Drago, or Tommy Gunn) you might want to look elsewhere.  But if you enjoy people  embarrassing themselves, or moments of real frustration, then scroll down.  These are for you.

And the #1 Video is…

No longer available due to a copyright claim by MLB Advanced Media.

So here’s a re-enactment

Comment below with your favorites that I missed!

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I hear that doctors are hard at work trying to resurrect the guy who flew his plane into the IRS building in Texas so he can deliver a formal televised apology.

I honestly don’t know the guy’s name, and I’m not gonna bother looking it up.  It doesn’t really matter, and the point is that he represents a lot more of us than the mainstream media would have us believe.  It’s a lot easier to call him a lone kook, or to parade expert after expert to discuss whether Tiger seemed sincere in his prepared statement, than to open a real dialogue about how our government has just kept pushing and taking and screwing and everything else but representing.

For years the state-run media has been complicit in the government’s divide-and-conquer strategy of governing and taxation.  We are constantly distracted by non-news stories that leave us scratching our heads while Uncle Sam reaches deeper and deeper into our pockets.  I’m becoming increasingly convinced that racism is perpetuated by our leaders (just the fact that we refer to them as our  leaders demonstrates the level of brainwashing we’ve undergone) to keep us all from getting together and discussing how much they are fucking us.  It’s a hell of a lot easier to control smaller groups of people than 300 million.

Look at the Women’s Liberation Movement for a moment.  Boy the government could have theoretically doubled their tax revenues if only they could have found a way to lure women into the work-force in droves.  But how?  Maybe they could convince a handful of women that men were keeping them down — keeping them at home, then use the press to reach more women until it blossomed into a full-fledged movement.  I’m not saying that’s the way it went down, but it’s worth questioning.  It merits a discussion.

For every indiscretion and ulterior motive that we discover, how many remain hidden?  How many actions have been taken “for our own good” that we have yet to learn about?

Lest anyone think I am calling the guy who flew his plane into the IRS building a hero, I am not.  But his action deserves far more attention from the mainstream media than Tiger Woods’ bullshit apology.

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This past Sunday, after the Superbowl, Undercover Boss premiered with a 20.3/33 rating.  That means 33% of people didn’t change the channel after the game, and I honestly have no idea what the first number means, but it’s pretty good. 

Larry O’Donnell, President and COO of Waste Management, goes “under cover” in a variety of different menial roles throughout the company in the show’s first episode.  He meets all these hard-working, bucket-pissing, double-docked, employees with personal stories that are meant to stir our emotions.  And I guess we’re supposed to feel good about businessmen all of a sudden too, although I notice they didn’t feature AIG’s CEO in either of the first two episodes (for the record, I am typically pro-business and hate it when the government tries to tamper with the free market, I just know how preachy these shows can be).

Well Larry learns how hard everyone’s jobs are and the terrible conditions that some of his decisions have resulted in for the workers on the front lines, and he swore to do something about it, and all that other happy horseshit. 

Blah, blah, blah.

It reminded me of a managerial strategy I used to employ when I worked in fast-food, and auto rental.  I called it “Surprise, your boss speaks Spanish too!”  I’d wander around the facility until I would eventually overhear some disgruntled Latino workers complaining about their hours or their pay or maybe even their new boss.  Then I wait for one of them to say something especially incriminating, and I would just simply agree with him…  in Spanish.  The looks on their faces is priceless, and you’d be amazed how loyal they become after that. 

Good times.  Good times.

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Even I’m not safe from my microscope of sarcasm, cynicism, and truth.  I don’t really know what the hell’s the matter with me lately, my emotions are bubbling very close to the surface.  I think I actually may have cried at every episode of American Idol this year.  Movies and songs are “affecting me” more than ever.   I could make some manly excuse like I haven’t been getting alot of sleep lately, or I hit my thumb with a hammer, or got bit by a shark.  But that’s not it.

In the case of American Idol, the whole idea of someone putting everything on the line for their dream has really gotten to me this year.  Maybe my age has something to do with that, but I’ve been equally moved by their successes and failures.  As far as the movies and songs go, I suspect it’s some of the same; but there’s always been movies that have made me cry.  Hell, I’ve cried during an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (no, not the “Donna Martin Graduates!” episode).

Why am I telling you all this?  Simple, so you believe me when I tell you something embarrassing about someone else.  And so I can present a countdown (just in time for the Oscars) of my top 5 tear-jerker movies, and the scenes that turn me into a girl.

5.  Dead Poets Society:  There are two scenes from this movie that get me.  The first is when Neil, played by Robert Sean Leonard kills himself in his father’s study.  There is dead silence in place of the gunshot, and the father wakes up suddenly, and you can see that he knows what happened.  The second scene is at the end **SPOILER ALERT** when Robin Williams is being unceremoniously led from the classroom, and previously timid Todd Anderson climbs onto his desk followed by the rest of the class.

4.  Rocky:  Yea, the first one.  **SPOILER ALERT**  At the end of the fight, and Rocky has gone the distance and he’s looking for Adrienne, and the song Going The Distance is playing.

3.  Forrest Gump:  When Forrest learns he has a son (played by Haley Joel Osment.  Incidentally, Pay It Forward could have easily made this list), and he asks Jenny if he’s smart or like him.

2.  Armageddon:  Two scenes here too.  Obviously **SPOILER ALERT** at the end when Bruce Willis sacrifices his life for Ben Affleck’s, but also when Will Patton’s character goes to see his son before they go into space and the boy’s mother tells his son that Will is just a stranger.  Then the next day, he sees Will on TV getting ready to board the space shuttle, and he tells his mom that stranger is on TV.  Between sobs, I scream at the TV, “That’s your dad.”

1.  Field Of Dreams:  Two scenes back to back.  First when Ray’s daughter falls off the stands choking on a hot dog, and Dr. Moonlight Graham crosses over the line of rocks (becoming an old man again) to save her life, and Ray realizes that Moonlight can’t go back.  And then, of course, the **SPOILER ALERT**  “Hey… Dad… do you wanna have a catch?” scene.

That’s my list.  I know I left some out.  Comment below with yours, or Facebook users can go here to post your list.  I will even tell you which episode of BH 90210 illicited my tears to ensure that I’m in no position to make fun of you. 

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I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t know much about cars, but I am a certified expert at finding inconsequential things to get worked up about.

I passed a new Acura TL in a parking lot and couldn’t help wondering, “What the fuck are you smiling at, Herbie?”  I can’t remember ever seeing a sillier front end on a real car in my life.  I know Acura’s reputation is pretty good, but if your car rolls off the assembly line grinning, I think you gotta shitcan your designer (who will no doubt find employment at Pixar Animation Studios working on Cars 2)   and go back to the drawing board. 

I think a good rule of thumb is if the driver’s happy, the car doesn’t have to be.  Or stop smiling, it makes you look stupid.

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I know I shouldn’t be giving this shit away for free, but I had a winning TV show idea that I just had to share. 

It’s about a bartender. Maybe he’s the best bartender in town or maybe he just knows in his heart that he’s been chosen for something special.  Something big.  Bigger than a bartender even.  Fame?  So he hires a film crew to follow him around and document his every move (especially at work); his rise to stardom if you will.

Maybe he shares a knowing look at the camera if someone says something stupid.  And there will definitely be times when his co-workers and regular bar patrons are interviewed by the camera crew. 

Now for the twist, the protagonist isn’t really destined for greatness at all.  And everyone seems to know it but him.  In fact he is kind of a pathetic character — a joke even.

I think I can sell it to the ‘People who brought you The Office and Parks ‘n Rec.’  I’ll call it The Bar or Happy Hour or something cool like that.

P.S.  If you think I picked the picture of Isaac from The Love Boat just because it’s Black History Month, I resent how well you know me. 

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I haven’t been in a supermarket — for more than a few gallons of milk — in at least two months.  And it’s probably been longer than that since I was “full-fledged” grocery shopping on a weekend.  Well, until today.

Okay, so what the hell is the deal with the obtrusive cardboard displays full of product littering every goddamned aisle?  (For you  Jersey Shore fans, product doesn’t just mean hair gel)  I swear, it’s like having a lane closed due to construction on the freeway during rush hour.  I lost count of how many times I had to stop to let oncoming cart traffic through so I could proceed.  It’s ridiculous.  And these aisles are barley wide enough for two carts as it is.

Now that I got that off my chest, the picture above shows a sign that has managed to confuse me for years. WAIT FOR GREEN.  I mean I understand the individual words, and I even understand the concept when the words are put together. I’ve actually understood the concept since long before I was of legal driving age.  See we used the whole ”red light, green light” idea in kindegarten to show when the bathroom was occupied.  I just don’t understand the purpose of posting this sign anywhere; or for that matter, why it isn’t posted at every intersection.

If I really read into it, I can imagine it means NO TURN ON RED.  But I’ve seen both signs posted at an intersection, so that can’t be it.  What I actually think it means is that oncoming traffic will have a green light before you do, so you actually need to wait for the green light before proceeding across the intersection.  Call me a nitpicker, but I just always assumed that was kinda the red light’s job.  I’ve seen signs in New Jersey, that say DELAYED GREEN.  It still seems like more of a courtesy than a traffic warning meriting a sign, but it is also certainly more to the point.

So if you run a red light, I guess you get the standard red-light-running fine, but what if you plow through an intersection while the light is red, and there’s a WAIT FOR GREEN SIGN posted as well?  Why, that might be tantamount to a traffic hate crime.

I’ll be updating again in the early part of this week, so until then remember, “Dont sweat the small stuff.”

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 –I was walking into a supermarket with my wife a few years back.  A car zipped in front of us and pulled into a first space — a “one-sy” — a handicap spot, hung his placard on the rearview, and walked ahead of us into the store.  No limp.  No nothin’.

ME:  Man that pisses me off.  There’s nothing wrong with that guy.  What an asshole!”
WIFE:  Maybe he has a heart condition that makes it difficult for him to walk longer distances.
ME:  I guess I didn’t think of that.

There is a certain convenience store that I frequent, in the sense that I go there everyday on my way to work to get my 44 ounce Coca-Cola.  And at that convenience store there is a certain black woman who works replenishing the store’s abundant coffee station.  I point out that she is black because I only took notice of her around the same time that Barack Obama was elected or inaugurated or some such thing, and I noticed that around that time black women seemed to be behaving more proudly, maybe it’s because a black man would soon be occupying the White House, or because he wasn’t going around banging white women as far as they knew.  Whatever the reason, they seemed to be acting downright “uppity.”  No ‘thank yous’ when I would hold a door for them.  No ‘excuse mes’ if they cut in front of me in line.  No nothin’.

Anyway, it seemed like every morning on my way to the soda fountain, she would cross in front of me (slowly, and with nary an ’excuse me’) on her way to her sugar packets or creamers or whatever.  Naturally, I would stop in my tracks, and passive-aggressively contort my face into an expression of incredulity, hoping someone would notice and commiserate with me.  After topping off my soda cup, I would purposely try to catch her eye and just say, “Hello, how are you today?” as politely as I could.  For her part she would just stare at me and walk away. 

Fume.  Fume.  Fume.  Fume!

I guess it was about a month later I heard her manager talking to her.  Someone must have complained about her surliness I thought, and didn’t bother fighting the urge to smile.  But as I got closer, I noticed that the manager was talking to her really slowly, (REALLY SLOWLY) and really over-explaining what she wanted her to do.  Then the surly woman responded, and that’s when I realized she was something of a re-TARD (pronounced like Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover).

Well I guess I didn’t think of that.

My mind raced to all the other instances in my life when I had been completely ignored by women.  Haha, retards.  They were all fuckin’ retards.

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